First, the Bible: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16).
There is a joke I remember Dad using decades ago: When God rebuked Adam for his sin, he blamed Eve, and then she blamed the serpent. And the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on. In the next issue of Christian Family magazine, I have an article on teaching your children about repentance. One cannot and will not repent until he or she has taken responsibility for his or her behavior.
When I was younger, I would read the comics pages on Sunday afternoon and I would always read “Family Circus.” There were many times when Bil Keane would create a scene where something was broken or messed up and Mom would ask “Who did this?” A phantom child would be running off the scene with “Not me” written on his chest. That is the essence of childhood.
But parents should not allow children to deflect blame if they are, in fact, responsible for having done something wrong. As we have often pointed out, parents have to set the example first. We need to apologize and accept accountability when we have done wrong.
We also need to teach our children to do the same thing. I remember pointing out to our girls that words do not come out of their mouths before they pass through their minds. In other words, they needed to take responsibility for what they said. My dad often said, “Put your brain into gear before you put your mouth into motion.” It has to do with accepting responsibility for our words.
Our children must be taught and trained to take responsibility for their words and actions. If you watch football and often basketball, one man gets charged with unsportsmanlike conduct. But we all saw and know that the first man instigated it, but he doesn’t get penalized. Children cannot be allowed to behave that way. If there is conflict, especially between siblings or with friends, encourage your child to meditate on what he or she did that caused the conflict or exacerbated the conflict. That is training them to take responsibility. A parent does not even have to investigate the conflict. Simply asking your child, “What did you do?” will focus them on their own behavior or words.
Perhaps we all know of adults who: 1) Can’t accept responsibility for their own poor choices; 2) Can’t bring themselves to ever say, “I’m sorry.” But you and I know that it is, in fact, liberating to admit that we have erred and we were wrong. We don’t have to be perfectionists. What we do have to be is responsible. And confessing one’s fault or error opens the door for a healthy self-image and stronger relationships with others including God. Because we can’t be right with God if we don’t accept responsibility for ourselves.
Paul Holland