First, the Bible: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
We have emphasized that the goal of parenting is to raise children to become mature adults and, to be more specific, adults who have a relationship with Jesus which they take seriously. Notice the design of Scripture as Paul details in 2 Timothy 3:16 is 3/4 positive and 1/4 negative: “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.” That’s not a bad ratio for parents to follow.
Christian parents should be careful that they don’t go overboard with the “rules and punishments” mentality to the point that children get the wrong view of parenting and childhood itself. It is one thing to punish for disobedience; it’s another thing to discipline for discipleship. You notice that “discipline” and “disciple” are similar; they come from the same root word. We want to train our children to be disciples of Christ; therefore we have to “discipline” them toward that goal. Becoming a disciple of Christ is not one punishment after another. But it is training.
There were a few times, like in Matthew 16:23, when Jesus forcefully rebuked His disciples – “punished” them. But largely, for three years, it was train, train, train. I suggest to you that this approach, keeping this end in view, will influence our parenting to be more focused on a positive approach than a negative approach.
It is easy to have a list of rules with their subsequent penalties for infraction. But that approach could just focus on rules rather than training and discipling the heart to follow Jesus.
In the book of Proverbs, the Spirit had King Solomon (or the other wisemen) command his son: “Hear / listen / obey” some eleven times! The verb itself is used 30 times in the book: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching” (1:8). Observe here, too, that Solomon places the mom on the same level as the dad relative to her role and importance in teaching and training.
Parenting has its rules; children must be taught and trained to respect authority and to obey rules. That’s not just a part of life; that is Christianity. But even at that, we can keep a positive approach, using positive words, and speak to our children’s hearts as we take a long-term approach to training and discipling. After all, we have them for 18 years!
Paul Holland