“Be Wise About Parenting”

Proverbs 22:6, 15; 29:15

Allow me to begin with a short poem by Michael Hodgin:

Child-raising theories did abound, before my children were around.

Then one day I had my own, now all those theories I disown.

Energy was once my friend, now I am at my strength’s end.

Fortune gone, the fridge is clean, my child has now become a teen!

Many of us have “been there, done that.” Amen?
I don’t have to tell you that raising children is a challenge.
Certainly, it is difficult to raise kids in today’s world, but actually, it has been difficult to raise them since the very beginning…just ask Adam and Eve…you try raising Cain!
One mother was considering the challenges she was having with her children and said to herself, “I guess if it was going to be easy, it would not have started with something called ‘labor’.”

Today, as we continue our sermon series from the book of Proverbs, I want us to talk about wisdom and parenting.
I know that the second I say that we are going to talk about parenting that I am touching on both a very important subject and a very sensitive subject.
It’s a very important subject because it impacts earthly life and eternal life.
It’s a very sensitive subject because some who wanted to become parents weren’t able to, and others who became parents have experienced disappointment, failure and loss.
I also know that when I talk about parenting some might feel that this lesson doesn’t apply to them because they aren’t a parent or are past the years of parenting, but I want to encourage all of us to pay attention and learn about God’s truths concerning parenting.
We never know when we will need God’s truths or when someone will need us to point them to God’s truths.
As we discuss parenting, I want us to approach the subject realistically and compassionately.
None of us are or have been perfect parents, and we never will be perfect parents, but we can aim to be faithful and wise parents.
Some people here today may be really struggling with this task of parenting, while others may be having a much easier time of it.
How difficult or easy a time we have in parenting is dependent upon a myriad of things; some of which we have control over and some we do not.

Someone has said that raising children is like cooking – if you want something to come out well, you have to follow the recipe and you must not skimp on the ingredients.
I wish parenting was that simple and straightforward.
We all appreciate the fact that if you have a great cake recipe, and are careful to use the same ingredients and follow the same directions, the cake will come out just as good every time.
But that is not the case with raising children.
Every child is unique and has their own temperaments and we parents are never exactly the same parents, from day to day and year to year.
These are some of the variables that lead to the fact that kids who grow up in the same home, with the same parents, turn out so differently and uniquely.

Nevertheless, even though parenting is not exactly like cooking, there are some similarities.
We do need a good and tested recipe to follow.
And we do need to try to be consistent as we follow the directions.
The very best directions we have for parenting come from God himself.
So, what I would like to do with the rest of our time this morning, is to review God’s recipe and directions for parenting that we find in Scripture and most specifically in Proverbs.
Although I have 38 years of experience as a parent and have learned some things about parenting over the years, but my confidence and your confidence should not be in the preacher’s expertise or experience, but in the authority of God’s Word.

Let’s start with something rather obvious: Parents can be a great blessing to their children and children can be a great blessing to their parents, but on the other hand, parents and children can also bring each other trouble and hardship.
What determines whether it is blessings or troubles that parents and children bring to each other depends on each of their obedience to God’s will and ways.
The Proverbs teach that having spiritual and loving parents in a healthy home is a great asset to children, and so children should have a vested interest in supporting their parents.
He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (Pr. 14:26)
The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him. (Pr. 20:7)
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. (Pr. 17:6)
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. (Pr. 31:28)
God created everything and put everything into order, including marriage and the family.
One of the 10 Commandments is: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Ex. 20:12)
God knows that it is best for children to honor and obey their parents.
And certainly, we parents should live in a way that makes it easy for our kids to love and honor us, but ultimately, honor is our God-given right as parents, and the Lord does not take lightly the dishonoring of parents.
Proverbs describes what happens when children walk with God and honor and obey their parents, and Proverbs also describes what happens when they don’t.
The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice! (Pr. 23:24-25)
A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother. (Pr. 10:1)
A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him. (Pr. 17:25)
Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. (Pr. 23:22)
He who robs his father and drives out his mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace. (Pr. 19:26)
He who robs his father or mother and says, “I’s not wrong” – he is partner to him who destroys. (Pr. 28:24)
The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures. (Pr. 30:17)
If a man curses his father or mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness. (Pr. 20:20)
And so, when wise parenting is offered and is well-received, everyone benefits, but when wise parenting is rejected or is absent, then everyone suffers.

The primary tasks for parents as put forth in Proverbs are instruction and correction.
If there is one thing that the Proverbs have to say about discipline is that children need it and it’s the parent’s responsibility to give it.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. (Pr. 22:15)
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Pr. 22:6)
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. (Pr. 23:13)
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. (Pr. 29:15)
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. (Pr. 13:24)
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. (Pr. 19:18)
Proverbs also emphasizes the parents’ role in teaching and the children’s role in learning and obeying.
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. (Pr. 1:8-9)
My son, keep your father’s commands and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you; then you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life. (Pr. 6:20-23)
The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “discipline” as: punishment, instruction, training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character; control gained by enforcing obedience or order; orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior.
I especially like the middle part of that definition: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.
Through godly, wise instruction and correction, parents are trying to help their children develop moral character and help them learn to live under authority.
Parents are trying to teach them that everyone is accountable to God, our Creator and Heavenly Father.
And Parents are trying to teach them that there is right and wrong, and there are consequences for each, both good and bad consequences.

When Proverbs says that “folly is bound up in the heart of a child,” this “folly” is not the funny and cute stuff we sometimes laugh at, rather it is the “folly” that leads to sinful and destructive lives.
It’s amazing that children don’t need to be taught to be selfish, disobedient, mean or out of control, those things just seem to come naturally.
If those tendencies and behaviors are left unchecked, then there is much trouble ahead.
On the other hand, if those foolish tendencies and behaviors are addressed and corrected, then good and blessing will be the result.
Popular wisdom today would say that it’s best to let a child determine their own way to let them choose for themselves all kinds of things – like what time to go to bed, whether to go to worship, what to watch and listen to, who to hang around with, and even what gender they are.
I love an episode from the old Andy Griffith show where an older, hobo man, played by Buddy Epsen comes to town and tries to have a negative influence on Andy’s son, Opie.
After Buddy Epsen’s character begins to have a negative effect on Opie, Andy has a conversation with the hobo, who tries to tell Andy to let the boy decide for himself.
Andy says: “You can’t let a youngun’ decide for himself. He’ll grab at the first flashy-with-shiny-ribbons-on-it-thing he sees. It’s difficult for him to tell the difference between right and wrong. When he finds out there’s a hook in it, it’s too late. The wrong kinds of things come packaged in so much glitter, it’s hard to convince him that the other thing might be better in the long run. All a parent can do is say, “Wait…trust me”…and try to keep temptation away.”
Andy was right – children need wise, godly parents who give them boundaries and protect them from themselves and from outside influences.

Let’s talk for a minute about correction and disciple – these things have become unpopular and are often rejected because of their abuse or their extremes.
But there are many wise and godly ways to offer correction and disciple, and we must not try to outsmart God who tells us that children need to be disciplined.

I like what Charles Swindoll wrote about parents and discipline in his book, Growing Wise in Family Life – Swindoll made these important distinctions:
First, There is a distinction between abuse and discipline.
Abuse is unfair and unexpected; discipline is fair and expected.
Abuse is degrading and demoralizing; discipline upholds a child’s dignity.
Abuse is extreme – too harsh and brutal; discipline is balanced and within limits.
Abuse results from hatred and resentment; discipline is prompted by love and concern.
Second, There is a distinction between crushing the spirit and shaping the will.
The ultimate goal in discipline is the building up of our children and the shaping of their character.
We don’t want to crush their spirit to the point of embittering and creating hostility and mistrust.
Third, There is a distinction between normal childishness and willful defiance.
Every growing youngster needs some space to learn and make mistakes.
Children are going to forget to do their chores; they are going to spill their milk, and stumble and fall.
We need God’s wisdom to know when their behavior is just normal childishness and when it is deliberate disobedience.
Both may require discipline, but different kinds of discipline.

Swindoll suggested four simple principles for training and instructing our kids.
Start Early.
It is never too early to start.
Obviously, we must adapt the discipline according to the age of the child.
Stay Balanced.
We must avoid extremes and balance the kinds of discipline with lots of encouragement.
We must be sure to include praise and affirmation when it is fitting.
Be Consistent.
We need to be as clear as possible about rules and expectations, and about the discipline that will result from disobedience.
And, then we have to be consistent as we apply the rules and the discipline.
Be Reasonable.
There are no perfect parents nor perfect children.
We must be careful not to demand perfection or set the expectation level too high.
The family should try to work together like a team, being flexible and encouraging.

Effective discipline involves primarily two things.
The first aspect of effective discipline is instruction – as I’ve already said, we need to clearly communicate the rules and standards of our home, and the consequences of disobedience.
When a child needs to be corrected because they have disobeyed, begin by clearly stating the behavior you have observed, how that behavior contradicts the well-understood rule, and the consequences for the disobedience.
The second aspect of effective discipline has to do with consequences for disobedience.
There are two forms that the consequences can take: natural consequences and logical consequences.
Let me say a few things about natural consequences:
Sometimes, the best way to teach our children about inappropriate behavior is to let him or her experience the natural negative consequences of his or her actions.
A child who constantly teases the kitten may learn best not to if the kitten scratches back.
A child who breaks his cellphone through misuse doesn’t need to be grounded, they just need to be made to do without the cellphone for a while.
Parents, however, will have to weigh whether the natural consequence would be too dangerous or serious.
Obviously, the natural consequence for not looking both ways before crossing the busy street is too severe to allow as a teaching tool.
Logical consequences, on the other hand, are negative consequences that are a planned negative consequence that is logically related to the behavior.
If a child leaves his tricycle in the driveway, then it can be taken away for a few days.
A child who can’t get up on time may need to go to bed earlier the next night.
Toys or shoes left in the living room may “disappear” for a week.
The benefits of using logical consequences include:
The consequence itself does the teaching.
Logical consequences avoid arbitrary, or too harsh consequences given in a moment of anger which result in resentment in children.
When the logical consequence has been communicated in advance, then the child more readily accepts the consequence as fair.

One form of logical consequences for disobedience is corporal punishment (known as spanking).
If parents choose to use some form of spanking (corporal punishment) as a way of discipline, then wisdom and self-control will need to be applied.
Like all methods of correction, spanking can be effectively applied with love and wisdom, or it can be abused.
The rod of correction discussed in Proverbs is used figuratively rather than literally.
The shepherd’s rod and staff were used to guide, care for and protect the sheep, and the rod of discipline should be used similarly lead our children.
Here are some things to keep in mind about corporal punishment:
First, Never apply corporal punishment when angry or in any way out of control.
Spanking is a deliberate form of discipline in which careful communication is involved before and after the discipline is administered.
A child’s privacy should be respected, and therefore it should never be administered in front of peers or siblings or in public.
We should have a predetermined place for the punishment, and process for the punishment.
A second thing to keep in mind is that spanking is most appropriate during the younger years.
When children are young, all they understand is pain and pleasure.
Trying to reason with toddlers when they are defiantly disobeying simply does not work.
If we will use corporal punishment early on, then we will be establishing ourselves as the proper authorities in the family, and children will learn the basics of authority and discipline, and then as they grow, good parent/child communication and the other methods of discipline will be all that is needed.
Other forms of discipline for older children include: grounding and loss of privileges.
Third, It may be best to reserve spanking for cases of deliberate disobedience and defiance of authority.

Another method of influencing behavior is called positive reinforcement.
The principle of reinforcement states that behavior which is rewarded will be repeated.
The principle of reinforcement can be used in three ways.
First, you can use something the child wants to happen to reinforce something you want to happen.
In the simplest terms, this means stating basic expectations in a positive way.
“As soon as your bed is made, you can go out to play.”
“As soon as you are quiet, I’ll continue reading the story.”
A second way to employ the principle of reinforcement is simply by praising good behavior.
Some people call this, “Catch them being good!”
All too often we only give our children feedback when they’re misbehaving, and therefore, sometimes children misbehave simply to get our attention.
We should make it our practice to give hugs and verbal rewards for good behavior.
Like, “You did a great job making your bed this morning.”
Or, “I noticed that you asked your brother if you could use his crayons instead of just taking them – good for you!”
Or, “Thank you for not interrupting while I was on the phone. Now, what did you need?”
That which gets rewarded, gets repeated.
Third, be careful you don’t inadvertently give positive reinforcement for negative behavior.
If your little boy refuses to come to the table and eat, and you coax him with a cookie, you are teaching him that the way to get a cookie is to be difficult and disobedient.
We can expect that any negative behavior we reward will be repeated and will grow in intensity.
The principle of extinction says that unrewarded behavior will eventually disappear.
If temper tantrums don’t get them what they want then they will stop.

God is our heavenly father, and the writer of Hebrews tells us in Hebrews 12:5-11 that the Lord disciplines those he loves.
Although we, the children of God, may not appreciate God’s discipline at the time, we appreciate the fruits of God’s discipline – the righteousness and peace it produces.
And, so it is with our kids: If we really love them, then we will discipline them with wisdom.
In the end, children will respect wise, loving discipline.
Children want boundaries for in them they find safety and security.

There’s a story told of a boy who was entirely frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, so he approached his father and asked, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?”
His father answered, “I just don’t know, son. No man has ever lived that long yet.”
See, we all have to live under God’s authority and God’s discipline throughout our lives – we never outgrow the need for it.

Parenting is a high calling and a very hard calling.
Maybe today you are feeling pretty encouraged about your parenting – maybe you feel like you’ve been doing a good job and your children seem to be doing well. (Then Praise God.)
On the other hand, maybe you are feeling pretty discouraged about your parenting – perhaps you have made many mistakes or your children don’t seem to be doing very well. (Well, Praise God anyhow.)
Satan would have us beat ourselves up over our mistakes, and He would encourage us to give up on trying to do better.
God, of course, would want something much different for us.
God would have us experience His cleansing of our hearts, and minds through forgiveness.
God would have us take charge of the present, rather than live in the regret of the past.
God would have us apply the wisdom and strength that He offers that we might live a life worthy of the Lord and teach our children to do the same.
Lord, teach us and help us to be wise about parenting!

Resources:

Big People, Little People (A Course for Parents of Young Children), by Tom Eisenman, David Cook Publishing, 1985

King Solomon’s Advice, by Walter Porter, Ph.D.

Growing Wise in Family Life, Charles Swindol, Multnomah Press, 1988.

David Owens