Texts: Genesis 2:20b-24 / Ephesians 5:22-23
Aim: to explain the Biblical teaching on the reciprocal roles of men and women within marriage
Thesis: the responsibilities of marriage re reciprocal: we receive when we give.
Introduction:
Gene Shelburne is a gospel preacher out in Texas and is the editor of the Christian Appeal. He relates the following true story:
Consider the saga of 83-year-old Walter Duddes’ recent encounter with Cupid. After he buried his childhood bride, Walter soon realized that the big house they had shared so many years was no place for a l onely old man. So he parceled out the family heirlooms to his kids, put up a FOR SALE sign in front of the house, and moved into the fancy retirement center across town.
Somehow – Walter was never quite sure how – he found himself spending quite a bit of his time with Alice, a widow whose room was several doors down the hall from his. They shared breakfast, read the same newspaper, dawdled over coffee most mornings instead of going back to their far-too-quiet rooms alone.
One evening after supper Walter mustered all his courage and popped the question. “Alice,” he stammered, “I wonder if you would consider marrying me?” Just getting those words out of his mouth left him breathless and a bit light-headed. Like so many other activities in life, proposing is a task for young men.
When he awoke the next morning, Walter was still somewhat flustered by the experience of the evening just past. But his biggest concern was not that he had proposed. What flummoxed him was that he couldn’t remember whether Alice had said “Yes” or “No”!
“Now what do I do?” he browbeat himself. All morning long he sweated over this new mess.
Finally he shuffled down the hall and rang Alice’s doorbell. When she answered the door, without a hit of finesse he blurted out his problem. “I can’t remember if you told me Yes or No,” he confessed. He had never been more embarrassed.
“Oh Walter,” Alice gushed and as she clasped his hand. “I’m so glad you have come to talk with me about this. When I got up this morning, I knew I had told someone last night I would marry him. But for the life of me I couldn’t remember who.” [Source: Gene Shelburne, “Gray Love,” Christian Appeal, Vol. 51 No. 11, May 2003, p. 15]
When it comes to something as important as marriage, there are some things you don’t want to forget! Our lesson this morning fits that category, because we want to review the most fundamental marriage principle in all the Bible!
READ Genesis 2:20b-24 “For Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “Woman,” for she was taken out of man.’
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Adam was created FIRST: single, solitary, the only human being in all God’s creation – so that he would feel lonely, and learn his deep need for a companion.
Eve was created SECOND: she came after Adam, so that she would always understand her dependence on him and her role as a helper to him.
SHE was created from HIS rib, so that they both would remember the essential unity that was to be between them.
And after this first union comes the words: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24)
This formula is stated in Genesis as the foundation principle of marriage; centuries later, when Jesus is questioned about the practice of divorce, it is this formula he quotes to protect the sanctity of marriage (Matthew 19:4-6); still later, when Paul is seeks to illustrate the unity of marriage, he, too, can come up with no better formula than: “the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
God made marriage – God’s Word gives us his instructions on how to “get it right.” We cannot build a marriage, or rebuild a marriage, without recognizing and respecting his guidelines. For this reason this evening we’ll look specifically at God’s EQUATION for marital happiness – I call it “GOD’S MARRIAGE ARITHMETIC.”
Marriage is above all a union:
• this means we must give, as well as receive;
• this means we are no longer independent, but we are no longer alone;
• most importantly, it means we can no longer think only of ourselves! When we marry we deliberately tie our fortunes and our future to the life of another human being.
And in order for that marriage to be all it should be, TWO must become ONE!
• this is God’s marriage arithmetic: 1 + 1 = 1!!!!!
• ONE man & ONE woman become ONE flesh, create ONE marriage, joined for ONE life!
This is not new math; it is God’s math – and in God’s marriage arithmetic, ONE plus ONE equals ONE!! This is the only formula that will work. If it is altered in any way, the marriage will suffer.
BUT – how does it work? What do we mean when we say 1 + 1 = 1? It’s one thing to speak in vague generalities about noble ideals and lofty principles, but it is something else entirely to provide practical applications for everyday married life. So, in order to achieve God’s marriage arithmetic, a husband and wife must…….
BODY:
I. BEGIN A NEW FAMILY!
A marriage is made up of ONE plus ONE! That doesn’t leave room for any others!
“A man will LEAVE his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
That wasn’t written for Adam’s benefit – he didn’t have any in-laws! Those words are there to remind US that in order for the unity of marriage to have room to grow, each partner has to leave their own family and begin a new one! And handling the delicate transition between “leaving” and “cleaving” is one of the most crucial factors in marital success. There are at least four potential problem areas:
FIRST, THE HUSBAND or WIFE may have difficulty LEAVING.
It is such a blessing to have good parents who are able to give support, advice and encouragement! But – marriage requires MATURITY. And that means a man has to learn to stand on his own two feet: a woman must learn to make her own home! Both must learn to cut the apron strings and let go of the purse strings and accept the responsibility of a new family. It would be better by far for the new couple to share a meal of peanut butter and crackers they’ve bought on their own than to indulge in a feast of steak and lobster on daddy’s credit card.
You don’t want any strings attached when you marry, because marriage is for grown-ups. Your marriage will be much healthier if you get through your struggles together, on your own, rather try to rely on daddy and mommy’s bank account. Remember: we’re not talking about money per se, but rather about priorities, loyalties, and boundaries.
Marriage is the supreme earthly commitment – it takes priority over all other human commitments – even our relationship to our own parents! Our obligation to respect our parents never ends but our first priority must always be to our mate!
When I work with couples in marriage preparation sessions I always address this issue, and I have given my “in-law speech” so many times over the years that I have it memorized. It goes like this:
I am convinced that most in-laws don’t want to be intrusive or interfering – but I am certain no in-law ever will be, unless their son or daughter allows it! Technically speaking there is no such thing as an “in-law” problem – there are only “mate loyalty problems.” By that I mean that each partner is responsible for dealing with their own parents, so that if, God forbid, the wife’s parents should cause a problem in this marriage, it is HER responsibility to draw a protective boundary around her marriage and deal with her own parents. If, God forbid, the husband’s parents should cause a problem in this marriage, it is HIS responsibility to draw a protective boundary around his marriage and deal with his own parents.
No one should ever ask their partner to resolve a conflict with their parents – everyone is in charge of his or her own parents. By the same token, everyone should be free to love and honor their own parents without the interference or intrusion of their partner. So, if I should happen to think my wife’s parents are crazy (and I do), I should have the wisdom not to say so to her, because they’re her parents, and she deserves the freedom to love them. If my wife should happen to think that my parents are crazy (and she does), she shouldn’t say so to me, because they’re my parents, and I deserve the freedom to love them.
Now, if my wife says her parents are crazy, then I am free to agree with her, but I’d better not be too enthusiastic about it, because she may change her mind. After all, they’re her parents, and she still needs to love them. And, if I say that my parents are crazy, she is then free to agree with me, but she’d better not be too enthusiastic about it, because they’re my parents, and I still love them.
I have personally seen marriages suffer, and sometimes even terminate, because of a failure on the part of a husband or wife to get their priorities in order, to make the boundaries clear, to keep their loyalties straight. “LEAVING” must come before “CLEAVING” – in order for 2 to become 1!
Second, THE PARENTS may have difficulty LETTING GO.
Every parent has gone through that agonizing but exhilarating experience of letting go of those tiny hands and watching those little feet take their first wobbly steps on their own. And it can be a bittersweet experience for dad and mom; you’re so proud you could burst – while at the same time you’re so afraid they’ll fall and bump their head you can’t take your eyes off them. Meanwhile, somewhere deep inside you know, things will never be the same again. BUT – if they’re going to grow, you have to let go!
When the day comes that you find yourself standing at the front of the church building to “give away” the bride – or when you see your son standing there, strong and tall, beaming at his bride – once the wedding march has ended, the ceremony is over, the rice has been swept up and the tuxedos returned – somewhere deep inside, its going to hit you. You’ll realize things will never be the same again! Don’t be surprised when you get that lump in your throat – because a parent’s love is by nature protective, and it has been ever since those first shaky, self-guided steps. Nobody ever said letting go is easy.
It can be awkward at first to get used to the concept of calling first before dropping by your child’s home, or of holding your tongue when you are convinced that your advice would be invaluable to your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Letting go is not supposed to be easy – it‘s just another of those many sacrifices parents are called upon to make for their children.
But, like all of those commitments commanded by God, it yields rich dividends down the road – it gives the priceless gift of freedom and respect to the new couple – it allows them to make their own adjustments and experience their own struggles without added stress and pressure – and it lays the groundwork for a good and open relationship in the years to come, when those precious grandchildren arrive.
TRUE STORY: Newlyweds – were unpacking in their new home. His momma called – “Can I come over and help you unpack and hang the pictures and arrange the furniture?” “Honey, can my momma come over?” “Sweetheart, I’d rather we did this ourselves.” “Ok, momma, you can come over.” By the way, just in case you were picturing some immature 19-year-old, you need to know that husband was 38!
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Despite my best efforts, that marriage lasted less than two years – the husband should never have allowed his mother to intrude on the private space of his wife – and the mother should never have asked! Either way, if it important for the children to “LEAVE” then it is just as essential for their parents must “let go” so the new marriage can grow.
THIRD, THE HUSBAND or WIFE may have difficulties with their PARENTS that they carry over into their NEW FAMILY.
I have often heard it suggested that before you marry a person, you should look carefully at how they treat their own parents, because chances are, that’s how they’ll treat you. That’s not always entirely accurate, but there is enough truth in it to give you something to think about.
Occasionally young people marry for the worst of reasons; because they can’t get along with their parents and they are seeking an “escape” from home. Only too late do they realize they have carried their problems with them into the new relationship! So, two cautions: FIRST: Don’t expect marriage to solve your own personal problems. Marriage is not a magic wand that overnight will turn essentially unhappy people into happy ones! In reality, there are only happy people in a marriage! If you marry someone with the expectation that they are going to ”make you happy” you are setting yourself up for disappointment!
SECOND don’t marry someone who has a sour, bitter, rebellious attitude toward their parent’s home and expect them to suddenly become an angel of light in your home! Marriage is not a reform school! Marriage is a relationship for two mature adults who have learned to accept responsibility for their own attitude, who are ready to leave home both financially and emotionally.” We must “leave” before we can “cleave.”
FOURTH, THE HUSBAND or WIFE MAY HAVE DIFFICULTIES WITH each other, and carry them back to MOM & DAD.
Just last month – a couple were in my office seeking help. Whenever they would have problems, HE would get on the phone and talk to HER parents – for hours – and then they would call up their daughter and chew her out. It’s not uncommon for newlyweds to have problems and adjustments, and to want counsel and advice. When that occurs, naturally we may think of good ole mom and dad: after all, they of all people should have a sympathetic ear! But my observation over the years is that the greater the number of family members that are involved in a marriage problem, the harder it is to get the line untangled!
Don’t get me wrong – I always encourage folks to seek help when they’re stuck in a marriage problem – and it doesn’t always have to be professional help. In every congregation there are couples who have the maturity and wisdom and experience to offer a sympathetic ear and objective counsel. But it’s usually better to leave Mom and Dad out of the conflict – that’s a part of the “leaving” that makes the “cleaving” possible!
GOD’S MARRIAGE EQUATION is one plus one equals one! It is a unique, exclusive, incomparable relationship: that’s why the Bible reminds us three times we must “LEAVE” before we “CLEAVE” – we must be ready and willing and able to negotiate that transition from childhood to adulthood, from dependence to responsibility, from the family we grew up in to the new home we’re creating!
Second, in order to ONE plus ONE to equal ONE, we must:
II. LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY!
God’s marriage arithmetic is one plus one equals one! And that means marriage love is EXCLUSIVE! There is no room for anyone else! Marriages are built on the foundation of TRUST / FIDELITY / COMMITTMENT. One of the most basic of God’s laws, and part of the bedrock of civilization itself, is the 7th of the 10 COMMANDMENTS: “You shall not commit adultery.” This reminds us of the
a. SERIOUSNESS OF marriage!
In my private counseling practice over the years I have routinely encountered married individuals who engage in unwise relationships with the opposite sex that, while not wrong in themselves, serve to lower the boundaries that protect the marriage relationship. I’m talking about:
• overly familiar friendships – very personal conversations;
• “innocent” office flirtations;
• even dancing with other people at nightclubs and honky-tonks.
And then, somehow, these individuals always seem surprised when those relationships catch fire and they end up getting burned.
You can flirt and you can tease
As much as you please
While you’re still looking around;
But after you date, and
You’ve picked out your mate,
You’d better learn to settle down!
b. SANCTITY of marriage! Adultery is the only thing serious enough to break up a marriage in the eyes of God.
Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
c. SECURITY of marriage!
The formula of “two becoming one” is a bonding process in which two human beings become joined in the deepest, most intimate relationship on this earth. Infidelity shatters that unity and destroys that trust. When someone breaks that bond they are damaging a part of themselves; it is a self-destructive act. Paul reminds us:
Ephesians 5:28 “Husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
The wise man Solomon warns us bluntly:
Proverbs 6:32 “A man who commits adultery lacks sense.”
Two things ought to be noted at this point:
FIRST, infidelity doesn’t necessarily have to end a marriage, IF:
• the guilty partner is willing to repent
• the innocent partner is willing and able to forgive
• and both are willing to rebuild and re-bond; not simply to settle for going back to the way they were before, but to reexamine their commitment and build a stronger and deeper relationship.
SECOND, the best prevention for infidelity, according to the book of Proverbs, is to “Keep the home fires burning” Proverbs 5:18 “rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Note that he says “rejoice” – not tolerate/get along with/put up with. That means a wholehearted commitment to each other – a mutual enjoyment of one another! The Bible gives some very direct guidelines: READ 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.
All around us we see men and women who are falling for the myth that “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” – I am convinced they are falling for that lie because they haven’t been watering and fertilizing their lawn at home!
How do we make marriage work? God’s marriage arithmetic says ONE plus ONE equals ONE and that means we must LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY.
III. PUT THE OTHER FIRST!
One plus one is two in arithmetic, but it must be one in marriage! How do two persons become one? EACH MUST BE WILLING TO PUT THE OTHER FIRST!
Only if I’m willing to subordinate my wants and wishes and desires, and think of my wife’s needs, and work for our common good, will our marriage success. Note “love your wives….obey your husbands.” God has made marriage a mutual relationship, in which we experience a sweet harmony if, and only if, we are willing to each put the other first! In marriage we receive by giving; we are made happy by making our partner happy! I have never seen a marriage fail when it was a partnership of two genuinely unselfish people.
• STORY: Little boys on playground – “I thought he was going to hit me, so I hit him back first.” Bad application, but good principle! “Love them back first!”
SELFISHNESS is the greatest single enemy of a healthy marriage! It creates an environment in which our worst suspicions will all come true. UNSELFISHNESS is the greatest single friend of a healthy marriage! It creates an atmosphere in which we are constantly rewarded with unexpected surprises! When we seek to put ourself first, we’re only hurting ourselves – we create a “Mexican Standoff” in which no one wins!
The Bible talks about being “unequally yoked”: well, marriage is a “yoke.” But if we’re tied together, we need to pull together. We’ll either both win or both lose! Any time we treat our marriage partner as an adversary, we’re going to lose! “He who loves his life loves himself’! We are thus commanded to find our joy in the joy of another. When one of my sons hits a homerun, or makes a touchdown, I get more satisfaction from their accomplishment than if I’d done it myself! We’re told to treat our mate the same way! That raises marriage to a new level, to a higher dimension: it’s more than just “getting along, tolerating each other” – “rejoice in one another.”
Marriage can be a blessing, or it can be a battleground, depending upon whether we are willing to accept our responsibility in it. One plus one equals one; EACH PUT THE OTHER FIRST!
Conclusion: BEGIN A NEW FAMILY – LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY – PUT THE OTHER FIRST.
In closing we should note one other formula:
1 + 1 + 1 = 1
Matthew 19:6 “What therefore GOD has joined together”
To have a successful marriage, make sure that GOD is at the center of your relationship!
Dan Williams